in school I used to wear fake glasses while doing writing assignments so that the teachers would think I was smarter and grade my tests higher (this actually worked, for the record)

this kind of backfired in a pavlovian way because now I literally have to put on a pair of glasses and activate Smart Mode when I write anything longer than a few paragraphs

it's just very fortunate that "I can't write without my glasses" is an honest statement that doesn't raise any eyebrows

reverse superman

subparwoman

this is what a Bodhisattva is

hey i was caramelizing your boyfriend and he uh. he stuck to the pan. yeah i didn’t deglaze it enough and he’s really burnt on there. i mean we can soak him for a while and see if we can scrape him up but i’m not optimistic. sorry.

kids these days who are fans of fall out boy and can just read the lyrics on spotify or whatever. do you know how lucky you are. when i was a lad you listened to an illegally burnt cd, heard a nonsensical string of syllables, and listened to it 100 times until you thought you know what was said. and then you got ahold of an album sleeve with lyrics and read the lyrics. and realise you were absolutely nowhere close.

secret hug techniques to be used only in dire emergencies

Some guy behind me ordered 15 sugars with his coffee and I instinctively blurter out "what the fuck? 15?" with my windows down and I heard him laugh.

y’all talk so much about shower thoughts what about washing the dishes thoughts

the only thought I have when washing dishes is 'fuck this. I hate washing dishes'

"i cant watch shows about fantasy kingdoms without thinking about how they should be abolishing the monarchy" that my friend sounds like a skill issue

if im watching the lord of the rings extended edition i am a monarchist for 682 minutes

I'm afraid that I have the worldbuilder's disease and it is terminal.

Fascinating. And where did this disease come from, how is it spread, and what demographics does it affect the most?

This blog is continued on side B. To keep scrolling, please remove the blog, turn it over, re-insert it, and press "play"

Hey op, there are people on here who don’t know what a B-side is

That doesn't seem like something I would have jurisdiction over

Last night I had a dream I woke up to find that my house had been turned into a Smart House with every wall being a digital screen including the roof so I could see it even laying on bed and the Siri voice said “Don’t worry. You are perfectly safe in your Apple Smart Home™️” knowing I have a BIG phobia of intruders especially at night and it continued with “Let’s explore the neighborhood from the comfort of your home” so it opened google maps and accidentally zoomed past a shitty jpeg of the girl from The Ring standing outside my house and it said “ignore that”. woke up laughing

this from the guy who wrote the sting pain index, a scale he constructed after letting himself be stung by insects

“why did i start this list” pleaseeeeeee this is so funny

I can't believe you people didn't include the link to his pain chart. It's genuinely one of the most poetic and well-written pieces of scientific observation ever put to pen.

An except: